NEWS ANCHORS ONLY KNOW SCOTCH TAPE (Sketch #16)

NEWS ANCHORS ONLY KNOW SCOTCH TAPE

Renée A. Hermiz

INT. “TAPE ME TONIGHT” NEWSROOM – DAY

American Anchors, WALLY and POSEY discuss Scotch Tape with guests, FINELLA (Scottish) and DR WINTHROP (English).

POSEY

Being an English doctor, do you really feel it’s right to use Scotch Tape for diagnosis without a Scottish person’s permission?

DR WINTHROP

Well Posey, the use of Scotch tape in detecting pinworm eggs around the anuses of children is a common practice among all doctors.

WALLY

Yes, but why, Dr. Winthrop, does it have to be Scotch tape? Sello Tape, for instance, is an English brand.  Why use what’s Scottish?

DR WINTHROP

It’s not Scottish. It’s an American brand that’s available in the States. Since I live here, I really don’t have a choice.

POSEY

Then, you freely admit to being a serial Scotch Tapist?

DR WINTHROP

If using Scotch Tape to pick up eggs on the peri-anal folds of kids that may be suffering from this terrible affliction makes me a Serial Scotch Tapist, so be it.

POSEY

Finella, being Scottish, how do you feel about this English Doctor using your country’s tape for his own purposes?

FINELLA

Well, I don’t think it IS my country’s tape.  As a pinworm survivor myself, I applaud Dr. Winthrop’s efforts in stopping what could turn into a butt-pocalypse if not for Scotch.

WALLY

You’ve actually made a life-story out of this, isn’t that so?

FINELLA

Yes, Wally. After seeing what Scotch Tape did for my arse, I decided to find other wide-spread uses of it by creating the series “2000 Ways to Make it Stick.”

POSEY

Not only that, but you’re a new YouTube sensation with multiple videos on “How to Scotch Wax!”

FINELLA

Indeed, Posey. With new, extra strength Scotch Tape, you can rip out even the most stubborn hairs.

In fact, I just did my mustache this morning, and see? No hair.

POSEY

It doesn’t even look red!

FINELLA

Right. It’s rash-free and effective. In fact, Dr. Winthrop and I are working together to create an even more flexible prototype.

WALLY

So, Englishman and Scottish woman binding forces on Scotch Tape—

DR. WINTHROP

No, not on Scotch Tape … on our own brand called Win-Fin Tape.

Beat.

WALLY

You can’t do that. 

POSEY

Scotch Tape is the only answer.  You can’t create another brand.

WALLY

Scotty McTape said, “No Substitutes” and you’d be substituting.  That’s wrong.

DR. WINTHROP

Look, we’re not just about Scotch Tape. We’d like to develop other technologies, making detection of infections or waxing or even putting together scrapbooks, a lot easier. Scotch Tape isn’t perfect.

POSEY

Scotch Tape is the reason you both are successful.  Now, you want to unite on a different front? 

WALLACE

It’s because it’s Scottish, isn’t it?

FINELLA

For the last time, it’s not Scottish and it’s got nothing to do with the brand at all … we don’t even know who Scotty McTape is. There’s tons of generic stuff out there, Win-Fin is on the rise.

POSEY

Stop.  Stop there.  This is getting out of hand.

DR. WINTHROP

You’re the Serial Scotch Tapists, not us.  You don’t know anything other than that bloody brand!

FINELLA

Yeah.  Scotch Tape this, Scotch Tape that … sometimes, I use Duct for things. How do you like that?

DR. WINTHROP

I frequently use electrical tape with it’s rubber-type adhesive—

FINELLA

And easy color-coding. Heat Shrink Tape, Gaffer Tape, or even—

FINELLA & DR. WINTHROP

--Loctite Power Grab on a Roll—

DR. WINTHROP

Or even video tape on my sister when she’s in the shower—oh!

POSEY & WALLACE

Stop! You’re destroying our show! Scotch Tape is all there is—

FINELLA

Or how about Firewall Tape?

DR. WINTHROP

Cable Path Tape or Silicone?

FINELLA

Good one! Got some o’ that up top!

BLACKOUT.

THE SUPPOSITORY (Sketch #15)

THE SUPPOSITORY

Renée A. Hermiz

INT. THE EVERYDAY SHOW – DAY

PARDOM PATEL tells her story to Talk Show Host PERRY LING.

PERRY

And then what did he do?

PARDOM

He took a seed about yay big and put it …

He put it …

PERRY

… take your time …

PARDOM

I mean, the sheer nerve of the man. He put that seed straight up my anal cavity.

PERRY

And what did you think when that happened?

PARDOM

What anyone would think, Perry. I thought, oh gosh, not there.

PERRY

But, it turns out you didn’t have much time to react beyond that point.

PARDOM

No, indeed, I didn’t.  I had to shoot myself straightaway to the lavatory and do an emergency number two.

PERRY

(nodding)

You lost all control …

PARDOM

All control!  Gone. I mean it might as well have been a number 11, if there is such a thing on that scale.

PERRY

There isn’t, but you’ve been through such a trauma, we’ll let it pass.

Beat.

PERRY

Sorry.

PARDOM

Well, there was lots of cleaning to do after that. Had to ask the bathroom lady for extra strength tissue and—

PERRY

Let’s move on from that point.  So, you went back into the doctor’s office … ?

PARDOM

Yeah … and I asked him point blank.  I said, “Doctor, why did you do that to me?  I mean, it was totally unexpected.”

PERRY

What did he say?

PARDOM

He said that he had to “make some stuff move.”  I shouted, “Oh? But did you have to make it move it in me??”

PERRY

He certainly did not.

PARDOM

No, of course not.  Not when I’m there for a dental cleaning.  And that’s why 4 months later I won 3 thousand buckeroos off that surprise seed fiasco. Who knew going to the loo could be so lucrative?

PERRY

And it’s the reason you’re here, isn’t it? You’re a survivor who’s sharing this horrible experience to bring awareness to the rest of us.

PARDOM

No, that’s not why I’m here.

PERRY

Oh? I’m not sure I understand?

PARDOM

Well, Perry, later, I discovered, another girl had gone through the same thing.  Only, she got it right – she’s in the million buckeroonies category.

PERRY

But, how could that be?

PARDOM

I was totally mistaken.  It wasn’t a suppository at all that he stuck up there … though the size was accurate. (sigh)

PERRY

Oh my goodness no! You mean it was his—

PARDOM

--homing device.  Yup.

PERRY

A homing device? A homing device.

PARDOM

Yup, it had an echo, too.

PERRY

What’s so terrible about that?

PARDOM

It was created to attract python snakes. The doctor wasn’t a doctor, but an alien from a planet that uses venom for space travel.

PERRY

(calling off-stage)

Alfred! What did I tell you about finding guests online?!

BLACKOUT.

BURT AND CLIVE ARE SENSE-LESSLY SKEWED (Sketch #14)

BURT & CLIVE ARE SENSE-LESSLY SKEWED

Renée A. Hermiz

EXT. CENTRAL PARK – DAY

BURT and CLIVE sit on a park bench. A really large WOMAN walks by wearing spandex and a crop top.

CLIVE

Burt, did you just see that large hippopotamus walk by? Must have escaped from the zoo.

BURT

I sure did, Clive. Looks like it somehow toothpasted itself out of its cage.

CLIVE

Huh. It’s just one big hanging fold of skin.  If it were human, mine eyes would be traumatized.

PEDESTRIAN falls from the branch of a tree.  Clive gasps. Both men sit as Pedestrian grabs a stick as a crutch.

Pedestrian

Scewz me, I just took a nasty fall and I think I’ve broken my ankle.  Could one of you help me get up, I’m struggling here?

BURT

Uh-uh, nope. Can’t do that cuz I didn’t see no such thing. Did you see a person fall, Clive?

CLIVE

No Burt, I didn’t.  But, what I did see was a squirrel taking an awful tumble from that tree branch over there.

BURT

Yep.  That’s what I saw.

PEDESTRIAN

No, see that was me you saw, not some squirrel. How can you go by life pretending not to see things the right way? It’s cowardly.

CLIVE

Did you hear something, Burt?

BURT

I didn’t hear anything, Clive and I am certain of that.

CLIVE

Why, Burt? Oh why are you certain?

BURT

Clive, my ears don’t lie but squawkin’ squirrels sure do. Pay it no mind and it’ll chipper away.

PEDESTRIAN

You’re both pathetic.

PEDESTRIAN hobbles off. 

CLIVE

Burrrt.  Do you see that mama cat slappin’ that unraveling ball of yarn around?

A MUGGER grabs an OLD LADY’s purse.

OLD LADY

Let go! Help! Ouch! That’s my purse!

BURT

I sure do see that, Clive. Just darling! And look there, that mama’s tryin’ to pull that ball o’ yarn apart with its teeth and drag it away. 

The Mugger runs off. Old Lady waddles over to bench.

OLD LADY

Why didn’t either of you do something? A mugger just assaulted me and stole my purse.

BURT

Oh no, I didn’t see no such thing as that happening in front of me.  Uh-uh. All’s I saw was mama cat playing with an old ball o’ yarn.

CLIVE

Uh-huh, that’s what I saw, too.

OLD LADY

Old ball of yarn? Is that what you call an innocent senior such as myself that’s just been mauled and robbed by a monstrous criminal? Seems that your faulty sight has skewed your senses. 

CLIVE & BURT

Uhhh …

OLD LADY

Well sense this, dunces!

Old Lady punches them both in the face at once with her fists and waddles off.

CLIVE

Did you feel that, Burt? That ball o’ yarn just smacked in both our faces.

BURT

I didn’t feel no such thing, Clive.  Balls o’ yarn don’t go shootin’ in peoples’ faces like that.

An announcement comes from a VOICE on speaker throughout the park.

VOICE (V.O.)

This is an emergency warning. Everyone one must evacuate the park and take cover indoors immediately. Fatal acid rain is about to fall. We repeat this is an emergency warning. Leave the park!

CLIVE

Burt, did you hear that announcement?

BURT

I didn’t hear no such thing, Clive.

Acid rain begins to fall. Burt and Clive remain seated.

CLIVE

Burt, do you see buzzing gray birds whizzing in the sky?

BURT

Shiny, happy rainbows with engines that twirl around the sky ain’t birds, Clive.

CLIVE

Then, did we just jump in a pool, Burt? Cuz I sure am feeling like we did.

BURT

I think we jumped in a pretty hot jacuzzi cuz what I’m feelin’ is a burning o’ skin.

CLIVE

Smells like barbeque, don’t it?

BURT & CLIVE

(screams)

CLIVE

(screaming)

Are we screamin’ Burt?

BURT

(screaming)

We ain’t doin’ no such thing, Clive! That’s just the sound coming from the two red lobsters jumpin’ through sprinklers sprayin’ from the sky!

A VOICE comes back over the speakers.

VOICE (V.O.)

Oops, sorry folks.  Turns out that was not an accurate warning.  It was red dye – not acid – that was being sprayed over the park in honor of “Burt and Clive Deserve to Think They’re Dye-ing Day" – haha – because we wish we could cook those ignorant dunces up like lobsters but are too nice to let it go down quite that badly for them. Scaring them senseless will have to suffice and we certainly hope they heard that.

CLIVE

Burt—

BURT

-Didn’t hear it.

 

BLACKOUT.

COWBRAINED HUMANS (Sketch #13)

COWBRAINED HUMANS

Renée A. Hermiz

INT. AIRPLANE – DAY

A Farmer, JESSOP, in overalls sits next to PHILLIS.

JESSOP

Jus’ got done with the convention there in New York City … aimin’ to get back to my young uns in North Dakota. Name’s Jessop.

PHILLIS

Ah. Hi Jessop, I’m Phillis … from New York. I’m just visiting a friend there in North Dakota and seeing their own “young uns” for the first time – haha … I just love the way you say that by the way.  Young unssss.  Right.  Um … so, how many have you got?

JESSOP

Oh, a whole bunch. Got a couple girls

ready to pop them newborns out. Best be there when it happens.

PHILLIS

Oh my goodness!  Newborns – yay! Congratulations. You must be pretty anxious to get home.

JESSOP

Nah, I mean, it’s all part o’ the

process. As long as I’m there within’

the first two weeks o’ birth, should be fine – hopin’ to sell them heifers after that.

PHILLIS

Sell? Oh (laughs) Oh I see.  You’re just

dolin’ out “bull” to me, aren’t ya! Haha “dolin’” … “bull” … yep.

JESSOP

Uh … well, actually, you might be on point with that. I won’t know till the offspring arrive.  Planned on one dual-purpose and one beef. Picked a beef bull myself to mate with both o’ them ill-lactating beasts o’ mine.

PHILLIS

Ill-lac … What?  Did you just call your girls ill-lactating beasts?

JESSOP

Course!  You’d say the same thing if yours were substandard producers! Soon as they have them little’ uns and are fully “dried off,” I’m gittin’ them off the farm.

PHILLIS

That’s an awful thing to do AND to say!

JESSOP

Well, ya either make milk or you make beef.  They ain’t makin’ much o’ neither if they stop milkin’ and stay on the farm. Ain’t much use to me then.

PHILLIS

So you’re saying all they’re good for is to make and feed their “little uns.”  That’s so sexist.  What kind of man are you to kick them off the farm?

JESSOP

I’m not gonna kick ‘em!  I’m gonna chop ‘em up and sell ‘em! Can’t exactly let ‘em live fer nothin’.  That’s quite an expense.

PHILLIS

Oh my God, I’m sitting next to a serial murderer!  Attendant!  Attendant!

ATTENDANT

Ma’am you’ve got to stay in your seat.  Now, what’s the matter?

PHILLIS

This man – Jessssssop! – has just admitted he is going to slaughter his girls once he gets home – and possibly their children, too.

JESSOP

Now, look here … maybe you can’t stomach

the facts o’ life, but, you don’t complain

when you’re the one eatin’ their meat and

drinkin’ their milk – Phillisssss.

ATTENDANT

It IS, after all, what you have on

your plate, ma’am.  Was there a mistake?

Are you vegan?

PHILLIS

Of course not, but I certainly do not eat the meat of my own kind, if that’s what you’re insinuating.

JESSOP

Phew – hoooooweee!  Looks like I sat next to woman ‘at thinks she’s a cow!

PHILLIS

Whoa.  You’re calling me a human cow?! You would say that about a woman, wouldn’t you, being a sexist murdering type.

ATTENDANT

Ma’am, you’re going to have to calm down or we’ll be forced to land this plane and escort you off.

PHILLIS

He’s talking about murdering innocents

and you’re saying I should calm down?

JESSOP

Hey, look here Phillis, I didn’t know you’d

take me deemin’ the infertile types and their offspring so strongly to heart.  Now, we tried artificial insemination, but that’s the most we could do – hormones and embryo transfers, well, them darn injected cows just don’t make healthy enough meat fer us folks to ingest. 

PHILLIS

Cows?  You’re calling them cows now too?! Ugh! Stop the plane!  I’m getting off – this man is insane and I’ll not stand for it any longer.

JESSOP

Well, they are cows!  And if I’m insane, all the farmers at the convention are too.  And so are your lawmakers.  Heck, we just discussed this issue!  Didn’t know city people were so keen on animals and artificial reproduction.

PHILLIS

Wee … ohhh.  Wait a minute.  Did you just say … animals?

JESSOP

That’s right.  Animals.

PHILLIS

Wait a second … You’re a farmer, aren’t you?

JESSOP

You got wax in yer ears, lady, or are the overalls foolin’ ya?  I said about a dozen times that that’s what I was – what I am.

PHILLIS

Oh … hahaha …. Oh.  You’re a FARMER!!!  Hahaha … Well then, Ohhh!  That means you actually were talking about cows. Real cows.

JESSOP

What’d you think I was talkin’ about?

PHILLIS

Oh nothing … just cows … yep. Cows.

JESSOP

Boy, you city folk sure are back’ards.  And here, I thought havin’ a cow was cliché. You’ve heightened it to straight up shittin’ bulls with a twisted human psychosis.

PHILLIS

I’m just human … a cowbrained human … haha.

JESSOP

You ain’t cowbrained … yer a human twit.

BLACKOUT

BEGGIN' FOR CHEAP (Railway Series) Sketch #12

BEGGIN FOR CHEAP (COIN TOSS) THE RAILWAY SERIES

Renée A. Hermiz

EXT. A HARLEM STREET – DAY

SHERIE sees STUBS, a man with stubs for fingers, pick up a

coin from the ground with his stubs.

SHERIE

Dang, Stubs, you can pick up stuff with

your stubs? Here, do it again.

Sherie tosses a coin on the ground.  Stubs picks it up.

SHERIE

Let me see that again.

Sherie tosses another coin down.  Stubs picks it up.

SHERIE

Man, it can’t be that hard.  If I do that, are you gonna give me all my coins back?

STUBS

You ain’t gonna do that.

SHERIE

I didn’t ask you if I could do it. I said are you gonna give me my coins back if I do do it?

STUBS

Yeah alright, I can agree to that cuz you ain’t gonna do it.

Sherie tries to pick up coins with her knuckles but fails.

STUBS

See. I told you, you couldn’t do it.  I told you, you ain’t gettin’ them coins!

SHERIE

There ain’t no need to holler, Stubs.  Damn, if you can do that, you deserve all those coins.

INT. RESTAURANT - DAY

Stubs sits at one of the tables Sherie is waitressing.

STUBS

Hit me up with another cup, sista.

SHERIE

Another cup of coffee? Stubs, are you gonna order anything else?

STUBS

Nah, I got these here coins an’ I wan’ a cup

o’ coffee!

SHERIE

Aw, come on, Stubs.  You got those coins from me.  Man, I gotta make a living, too.  All you’re getting is refills.  I only got two tables and you’re one of ‘em.

Stubs thinks.

STUBS

You bring me some o’ that free bread, yet?

SHERIE

Bread?  Aw, man, we don’t give out free bread, Stubs.

STUBS

There’s free bread if I’m on my last cup o’ coffee.  Or I might just think about havin’ a few more cups.

SHERIE

Alright, alright!  I’ll get out that bread and then you’re gone. Understand?  Or you’ll have stubs for toes, too!

STUBS

Already got ‘em.  Oh—don’t forget some more sugar for my coffee.

EXT – A STREET IN HARLEM – DAY

Sherie walks home from the train.  A few dollars fly out of her pocket.  She runs to grab them, but Stubs gets to them first.

SHERIE

Hey.  Hey, thanks Stubs.

Sherie holds out her hand.

STUBS

Thanks for what?

SHERIE

Ah, c’mon, Stubs.  Don’t play me like that.  Those are my dollars.

STUBS

What are you sayin’ girl?

SHERIE

I’m sayin’ those are mine. Man, that’s all I earned today.

STUBS

Nah, nah … see, these dollars here fell out of my pocket.

SHERIE

No, Stubs.  They fell out of MY pocket.

STUBS

You sayin’ I’m a criminal, girl?  That I took your dollars?

Sherie grabs the dollars from Stubs’ stubs.

STUBS

What? That ain’t right!

SHERIE

Hey, life’s a coin toss.  All’s I’m saying, Stubs … You might be able to pick up my coins, but ain’t no way you’re gettin’ my dollars.

BLACKOUT.