RENAISSANCE RALPH DOES
BOOTCAMP
Renée A. Hermiz
INT. BOOTCAMP SPACE –
EVENING
INSTRUCTOR times class as
they do a set of jumping jacks.
RENAISSANCE RALPH enters late, in regular shorts and t-shirt, but
wearing a breast plate, a musketeer hat and carrying a jousting stick.
RALPH
(announces)
Well
met, good masters and mistresses!
All ignore him and
continue to follow the INSTRUCTOR.
RALPH
(yelling over the music)
Prithee,
I crave your pardon. Let me persuade you to forbear a while that I may fain
partake in this—
INSTRUCTOR
(stops the music)
Ok,
stop, stop. Hey there Mister …
you
come from drama class or something?
Listen,
just put down your stick and
follow
along.
GUY
Hang
on a second … I’ve heard of that guy.
That’s Renaissance Ralph, the weirdo that talks weird.
RALPH
(to
Guy, nastily) In faith, it seems, in that, I have company. (to Instructor) I prefer: Ralph. (says name
in British accent sounding like Rolph)
INSTRUCTOR
I'm not saying it that way, so you’re just gonna have to settle for Ralph.
RALPH
I
cry your mercy—
GUY
Cut
the crap, creep. I want a good workout.
INSTRUCTOR
Ok,
let’s stay positive. No mercy, Ralphee. You here for bootcamp or a rinky dink show?
RALPH
Verily,
in sooth, I come to take this here camp of boot.
INSTRUCTOR
Dude,
I have no idea what you said, but … Everybody— Pushups. 30 seconds.
Drop!
RALPH
Hastily,
I shall, on my knees—
INSTRUCTOR
--Don’t
talk! Push! Down and up – One! Down and up – two! Down and …
RALPH
(does pushups, breathless, overlapping count)
I
shall talketh not – one! – as you command – two! – and perform this feat of endurance
– grrrraaaaa three! – by. God’s. teeth!
INSTRUCTOR
(eyeroll)
God, stop it. 10! Ok, partner up, it’s
sit-up time.
Each person in class grabs
a partner, locking feet to hold each others’ down while doing sit-ups. Ralph gets
GUY.
RALPH
By
my faith, thou art a strapping
young
lad. Too strapping (mumbles) What be thy tide?
GUY
Listen
pal, I don’t do much surfing and I really want to focus here. Could you just
pass the ball to me? We’re supposed to
be sitting up together.
RALPH
Pray
pardon, but my breastplate prohibits me.
GUY
Geez. Prohibits you? Just take it off. What do you
need it for? We’re exercising.
RALPH
(evenly)
I
shall perform my duties clad in mine
armor. I thank thee.
INSTRUCTOR
Time
for sprints. Go!
GUY
I
didn’t even do one sit-up.
The class starts sprinting
back and forth. Ralph runs with them,
but keeps hitting people in the face with the large feather in his hat.
INSTRUCTOR
Hey,
Shakespeare, you wanna take off your hat so the feather doesn’t poke someone’s
eye out?
RALPH
Mine
plume dost not poke. An it please you,
I
shall keep it on.
INSTRUCTOR
(snatches hat off Ralph’s head)
You
shall take it off!
RALPH
(grabbing his head, still running)
Out
upon it! Thou art a cutpurse!
INSTRUCTOR
And
I’ll cut you if you put this showpiece back on your head. It’s a hazard.
RALPH
Enow! How stand the hour?
INSTRUCTOR
No
way you’re gonna just stand there; you’re gonna sit against the wall for an
hour in a squat if you keep that attitude up. Now, hustle. RUN! Go
go go! Knees up, c’mon!
RALPH
(continuing to run, breathless)
Curse
this injustice! I be parched. I
vouchsafe, I shall fall.
GUY
Do
us all a favor and fall then.
RALPH
(reeling over)
Thou
dost takest my breath away … and not how thou thinketh. Enow. I
must away.
INSTRUCTOR
Just
when we were starting to get you. All right.
Way to be … uh … for five minutes.
GUY
(grabs hat out of Instructor’s hands)
Dude,
you’re bad news. Take your tree limb and
feather cap and be out.
INSTRUCTOR
Hey, Guy, that’s not cool.
RALPH
Fear
not, fair lady of the camp of boot. Words
canst not wound me.
GUY
Then
maybe this can – perchances.
Guy throws Ralph’s hat at
him. It hits the jousting stick standing
against the wall, making it fall over, bounce off Ralph’s back and onto Guy
square in the stomach.
RALPH
Ah
… how now, I told you true. You should
have worn armor. Fare thee well, friend.
Peradventure, I shall see you anon … or never. (mumbles) Toad-spotted
rogue … or more aptly – ASS. Toodaloo.
BLACKOUT
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