Monday, September 8, 2014

RENAISSANCE RALPH DOES BOOTCAMP (Sketch #6)


RENAISSANCE RALPH DOES BOOTCAMP

Renée A. Hermiz

INT. BOOTCAMP SPACE – EVENING

INSTRUCTOR times class as they do a set of jumping jacks.  RENAISSANCE RALPH enters late, in regular shorts and t-shirt, but wearing a breast plate, a musketeer hat and carrying a jousting stick.

RALPH
(announces)
Well met, good masters and mistresses!

All ignore him and continue to follow the INSTRUCTOR.

RALPH
(yelling over the music)
Prithee, I crave your pardon. Let me persuade you to forbear a while that I may fain partake in this—

INSTRUCTOR
(stops the music)
Ok, stop, stop.  Hey there Mister …
you come from drama class or something?
Listen, just put down your stick and
follow along.

GUY
Hang on a second … I’ve heard of that guy.  That’s Renaissance Ralph, the weirdo that talks weird.

RALPH
(to Guy, nastily) In faith, it seems, in that, I have company.  (to Instructor) I prefer: Ralph. (says name in British accent sounding like Rolph)

INSTRUCTOR
I'm not saying it that way, so you’re just gonna have to settle for Ralph.

RALPH
I cry your mercy—

GUY
Cut the crap, creep. I want a good workout.

INSTRUCTOR
Ok, let’s stay positive.  No mercy, Ralphee.  You here for bootcamp or a rinky dink show?

RALPH
Verily, in sooth, I come to take this here camp of boot.

INSTRUCTOR
Dude, I have no idea what you said, but …  Everybody— Pushups.  30 seconds.  Drop! 

RALPH
Hastily, I shall, on my knees—

INSTRUCTOR
--Don’t talk!  Push! Down and up – One!  Down and up – two! Down and …

RALPH
(does pushups, breathless, overlapping count)
I shall talketh not – one! – as you command – two! – and perform this feat of endurance – grrrraaaaa three! – by. God’s. teeth!

INSTRUCTOR
(eyeroll) God, stop it. 10!  Ok, partner up, it’s sit-up time.

Each person in class grabs a partner, locking feet to hold each others’ down while doing sit-ups. Ralph gets GUY.

RALPH
By my faith, thou art a strapping
young lad.  Too strapping (mumbles) What be thy tide?

GUY
Listen pal, I don’t do much surfing and I really want to focus here. Could you just pass the ball to me?  We’re supposed to be sitting up together.

RALPH
Pray pardon, but my breastplate prohibits me.

GUY
Geez.  Prohibits you? Just take it off. What do you need it for?  We’re exercising.

RALPH
(evenly)
I shall perform my duties clad in mine
armor.  I thank thee.

INSTRUCTOR
Time for sprints.  Go!

GUY
I didn’t even do one sit-up.

The class starts sprinting back and forth.  Ralph runs with them, but keeps hitting people in the face with the large feather in his hat.

INSTRUCTOR
Hey, Shakespeare, you wanna take off your hat so the feather doesn’t poke someone’s eye out?

RALPH
Mine plume dost not poke.  An it please you,
I shall keep it on.

INSTRUCTOR
(snatches hat off Ralph’s head)
You shall take it off!

RALPH
(grabbing his head, still running)
Out upon it!  Thou art a cutpurse!

INSTRUCTOR
And I’ll cut you if you put this showpiece back on your head. It’s a hazard.

RALPH
Enow!  How stand the hour?

INSTRUCTOR
No way you’re gonna just stand there; you’re gonna sit against the wall for an hour in a squat if you keep that attitude up. Now, hustle.  RUN!  Go go go! Knees up, c’mon!

RALPH
(continuing to run, breathless)
Curse this injustice!  I be parched. I vouchsafe, I shall fall. 

GUY
Do us all a favor and fall then.

RALPH
(reeling over)
Thou dost takest my breath away … and not how thou thinketh.  Enow.  I must away.

INSTRUCTOR
Just when we were starting to get you. All right.  Way to be … uh … for five minutes. 

GUY
(grabs hat out of Instructor’s hands)
Dude, you’re bad news.  Take your tree limb and feather cap and be out.

INSTRUCTOR
Hey, Guy, that’s not cool.

RALPH
Fear not, fair lady of the camp of boot.  Words canst not wound me.

GUY
Then maybe this can – perchances.

Guy throws Ralph’s hat at him.  It hits the jousting stick standing against the wall, making it fall over, bounce off Ralph’s back and onto Guy square in the stomach.

RALPH
Ah … how now, I told you true.  You should have worn armor.  Fare thee well, friend.  Peradventure, I shall see you anon … or never. (mumbles) Toad-spotted rogue … or more aptly – ASS.  Toodaloo.

BLACKOUT





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