JUDGING PEOPLE BY THEIR PEDICURE (Sketch #11)

JUDGING PEOPLE BY THEIR PEDICURE

Renée A. Hermiz

INT. NYC SUBWAY CAR – DAY

SAL and his wife, CLAUDIA sit on the train looking at people’s feet.

CLAUDIA

Oh. My. Gawd. Sal, don’t look now,

but “nun feet” just walked in.

SAL

(sighs deeply)

Not an ounce of polish.  Not an ounce of care – evah. It’s like staring at a holy statue – and she’s not a nun! The things we gotta see in a New York summah!

CLAUDIA

She’s probably a lesbian, or a hippie or one o’ dem manly type women that don’t believe in any beauty extras.

SAL

Or a whatchamacallit … uh … a quaker person on some psycho ranch in one o’ them North Dakotas or somethin’. Polish your frickin’ toes! (Sal “calls out” discreetly)

NUN FEET GIRL crosses their path, smiling at them, before taking a seat at one end of the train car. Sal stares.

CLAUDIA

(to Nun Feet Girl)

Hi, how’are you? Nice day, thanks.

(to Sal)

Don’t stare at ha, Sal.

SAL

I can’t help it. It’s so distracting.  Oh my Gawd.

Sal flings his arm up noticing MONK GUY, who sits across from them.

SAL

What is he, a Monk? Does ‘e play guitar with his feet or somethin? Clip your nails down! (discreetly “shouting” so only Claudia can hear)

CLAUDIA

Yeah, I don’t know how ta deal wid this one. They’re longer than them nail extensions – like them wizard hands on Harry Pottah or that Rings movie. Sound familiah? Only he’s got ‘em on his toes. Oh, no thank you!

SAL

And they’re yellow, like jaundice for feet. I gotta see dis on top o’ his thong sandals and dry skin? 

CLAUDIA

Must be some sort of Asian guy – I don’t think they clip their nails in Asia.  They like ‘em sharp looking, like untrimmed cat claws.

SAL

Nah, the guy’s white … or Latin … or mixed. Bet he’s one o’ dem hipsters. Jeez, put on some shoes.  You’re an eye soar!

CLAUDIA

Avert your eyes. We’ll be off the train in a few more stops.

CHIPPED walks on and sits to the right of Claudia and Sal.

CLAUDIA

Oh my Gawd, my heart's palpatating! Either put on a new colah or remove what ya got!  There’s nothing sloppier than chipped or fading nail polish.

SAL

(blowing out hot air)

I mean, now we’re surrounded by ‘em! Nun Feet to the left, Monk in front, and now Chipped Nailpolish Lady to the right. We livin’ on a farm?  We in the Midwest here? Where do these people come from?

CLAUDIA

I don’ know, Sally.  She might be one o’ dem girls ‘at walks the streets an’ doesn’t have enough money ta fix herself.

SAL

Like a runaway. (Sighs) Animals. Such a shame!

PASSENGER enters and acknowledges CHIPPED NAILPOLISH LADY.

PASSENGER

Hi Doctor Bradford!  Because of you, my son’s been cancer free for 10 years now and off to college to study medicine.  You’re a self-less hero in my househo—whoa!

PASSENGER trips over Claudia and Sal’s feet while walking.

CLAUDIA

Oh my Gawd! You chipped my toe polish!

SAL

And ripped off half o’ my big toe nail!

PASSENGER

I’m so sorry.

Sal pulls out nail clippers; Claudia takes out nail polish.

NUN FEET GIRL

(to Claudia)

Scewz me.  Could you not polish your nails on the train?

CHIPPED (aka Dr. Bradford)

Yeah, the fumes are really toxic.

MONK

(to Sal)

And, yo man, wait till you get off to clip your toenails … it’s really disgusting to do

that on the train. Thanks.

BLACKOUT.