LEGO MY NOGGIN!
Renée A. Hermiz
EXT. LEGOLAND VILLAGE –
DAY
EXEC and BUILDER stare at
each other.
EXEC
Morning,
Builder. You’re not looking
like
yourself today.
BUILDER
Neither
are you, Exec. You look like you’re ready to build something.
EXEC
I
do? How so?
BUILDER
Well,
you’ve got on those overalls and the workman pants. Need I say more?
EXEC
Oh
these? No need. Just noticed them, myself. I must say I’m having a bit of a
“mind-out-of-body” experience today. I
can’t remember why I’m wearing these clothes at all.
BUILDER
You
know, come to think of it, I was a bit concerned to find myself in a suit today,
too. But, nothing was worse than to be
without my—
EXEC
(raising an arm)
--this? Without this?
Exec holds up a chainsaw.
BUILDER
Yeah. That’s my chainsaw. How is it that my chainsaw is now a part of
your arm?
EXEC
Oh,
it’s all part and par for the
course
with the gear and all. What am
I
saying? Gee, Builder, I really don’t know.
BUILDER
Know
what else I noticed?
EXEC
The
suit makes you smarter?
BUILDER
(Dryly)
No. That this is the first time I’ve ever seen you without your briefcase.
EXEC
(gulps)
That’s
because you’ve got it in your hand.
BUILDER
Yes. Yes I do.
I also see that you are
without
your umbrella.
EXEC
That’s
because you’re holding it in you’re other hand.
BUILDER
Yes. Yes I am.
Beat.
EXEC
Builder
… you want to tell me how
it
is that you’re wearing my suit, and carrying my briefcase and umbrella?
BUILDER
I’d
be delighted to tell you that Exec,
just
as soon as you explain to me how it
is
that you came to have my overalls, my gear belt and chainsaw?
Builder and Exec stair
stiffly at each other.
EXEC
We
can’t move, can we?
BUILDER
No.
EXEC
We’re
Legos, aren’t we?
BUILDER
Yes.
EXEC
You’re
face is on my body, isn’t it?
BUILDER
Yes. It would seem so. Do
you usually wear glasses with slicked
back hair?
EXEC
Yes.
They’re permanently painted on me.
Do
you usually wear a hardhat with a mean expression on your face?
BUILDER
Yeah,
that’s me. That’s permanent, too.
EXEC
Yeah.
Your face is on my body. And all we can do is exist this way until Suzie the
monster child, switches us back to normal.
Beat.
BUILDER
You’re
angry.
EXEC
Yes.
How do you know?
BUILDER
Because
you’re raising my chainsaw
in
the direction of Suzie’s bedroom.
EXEC
She
doesn’t have a policeman.
BUILDER
I
know. But, it’s just plastic.
EXEC
I
know. But it’s all I can do.
BUILDER
There
are worse things than this.
EXEC
Worse
than getting switched from a rich executive to a burly construction worker and
not be able move beyond raising a plastic piece in my hand to display my dismay?
Enter Darth Vader with
Yoda’s body.
DARTH VADER
You
could be Darth Vader with Yoda’s body …
but
not his powers.
EXEC
That’s
pretty bad.
DARTH VADER
I’m
short, green, old, powerless …
and
look like a bobble-head toy. It’s not bad; it’s torture.
EXEC
So,
where’s Yoda’s face and your body?
DARTH VADER
Yoda’s
hovering Suzie the monster child over the syphilis-ridden Gowanus Canal until
she agrees to switch all of our heads back to our bodies. There’s only one problem.
BUILDER
What?
DARTH VADER
Yoda
took my body into that Canal. I don’t want it back; and neither does he. We need two new ones.
EXEC
What
is it you’re telling us Darth?
BLACKOUT
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