HAL THE OVERZEALOUS NERD
Renée A. Hermiz
EXT. OUTDOOR CAFETERIA – DAY
AUDREY greets HAL.
AUDREY
Welcome to the school, Hal. I
hear you're a real whiz in biology.
HAL
Yeah … I thought you would have
heard that by now, Audrey, so, I already finished your papers for you.
AUDREY
What papers?
HAL
Your science papers for the whole semester
… including the science project – I did that for you, too.
AUDREY
The project that’s not due till the
end of the year? Hal, I can do those
things myself. Why did you do it for me?
HAL
Well, I figured since you're the
most popular girl in school and I’m a major nerd, I should get it done before
you threatened me to do it for you. I also have back up papers completed for
the rest of the popular kids – including the football team.
AUDREY
What, do you think we’re living in
the 50’s where bullying is cool? I
wasn't going to threaten you, Hal. I like science. I want to be a
doctor one day.
HAL
You’re pretty. You shouldn’t worry about that stuff.
AUDREY
That’s sexist.
HAL
Well, you got an A.
AUDREY
How do you know that?
HAL
I already submitted it all for you.
AUDREY
What?
Hal, they’re going to think I cheated!
They’ll put me in detention.
HAL
That’s what I figured. I prepared for that.
Hal jumps into a large pile of manure.
AUDREY
Hal! Why did you just jump into a
pile of shit?
HAL
I figured I’d save you the trouble
of calling the popular bullies to do the honors after possibly getting you in
detention for cheating.
AUDREY
I didn’t get in detention because I
didn’t cheat. And I would never let anyone throw someone else into a mountain
of manure. That would get me suspended.
HAL
Sorry Audrey. Gosh, I’m such a dufus. Hang on, I’ll make it right.
AUDREY
No please –
Hal throws himself in front of a truck and gets hit.
AUDREY
Stop! Hal, why did you throw yourself in front of a
truck?
HAL
Just wanted to save you the trouble
of calling a gang to break my bones for getting you suspended.
INT. HOSPITAL – DAY
Hal lies in a hospital bed.
Audrey is visiting.
AUDREY
I would never have called on anybody
to break bones or eat shit or do homework or anything.
HAL
I’m a dork ready to accept
punishment before it’s given. I’ll jump into a blender if I have to—
AUDREY
--No! Stop talking like that. Hal, that’s really sad. I’m not the kind of person that puts dorks
down – I mean. Ugh, now you're in the
hospital and they're doing an investigation on what happened and questioning me
about what I’ve seen …
Flatline sound.
AUDREY
Hal? HAL?
Angelic sound. Hal's ghost appears.
HAL
Just wanted to save you the trouble
of having the only accusatory witness around by pulling the plug.
AUDREY
Ugh! Hal, I could be imprisoned for
life – this looks like murder!
The flatline turns into a heartbeat.
AUDREY
What did you just do? You’re alive
again.
HAL
Just wanted to save you the trouble
of resuscitating me by putting the plug back in
after depriving my brain of oxygen
for a few minutes for getting you in trouble with the cops …
BLACKOUT.
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