Renée A. Hermiz
INT. LENA'S APARTMENT - DAY
Lena opens the door to HAL and MARCY. They enter carrying a gift.
LENA
(unenthusiastic)
Ooo ... towels. How thoughtful.
Uh, it's Marcy, right? Hal's told
me so --
MARCY
(gurgling laugh)
LENA
-- much. about. you.
HAL
Doesn't she have the
most beautiful laugh?
LENA
Indeed. Coffee's on the table.
Lena pours the coffee, then lifts the cream jug.
LENA
Cream?
Marcy's eyes widen and she starts to drool, gurgling.
LENA
So does she talk or does
she just spit?
HAL
(slightly taken back)
Lena? She's just excited to
see some dairy.
MARCY
(drooling into her coffee)
That's ok, Hal. Lena, I just
love the sight of two liquids
combining.
LENA
You mean, three liquids and a
solid? Jesus, Marcy, you're
dripping all over the table.
Hal carelessly wipes Marcy's mouth and the table, slathering it around.
HAL
Why don't you stop worrying
about people's fluids, Lena
and be a good host by showing
us pics of the new guy you're seeing?
LENA
Oh all right. (opens laptop)
Pics are online. There, what do you think?
Marcy gets so excited that she starts slobbering all over the computer.
MARCY
Wow, he's mouth-watering.
LENA
Eww hey!!! Gross! You're ruining
my computer! You gonna pay for that?
HAL
Lena, you're making it worse. She
gets nervous when she's yelled at. Is
this any way to treat your best friend's
girl? (to Marcy) There, there, button.
Hal leads Marcy to the couch.
LENA
Girl? Where did you find her anyway,
Hal? The Wet Nurse Institute for
Slobbering Adults? Or is this some
sick fetish of yours I don't know about?
Hal starts to drool.
HAL
Great, Lena. Now you've done and
gotten me nervous.
Lena looks at the couch and floor. They are soaking wet. Marcy's drool is out of control.
LENA
Oh my God! You've turned my couch
into a wet sponge! Get out, both of you!
HAL
(slobbering badly)
Oh, sure. We'll go. After all, we
wouldn't want to infect you with natural
fluids.
LENA
Infect me? You mean you brought something
contagious into my home?? You're dripping
worse than a leaky ceiling crack
in a thunderstorm!
HAL
We're just drooling! People drool.
LENA
Baby's drool, not people --
and not in buckets!
Hal and Marcy have grabbed buckets to put under their faces.
HAL
We've got buckets under our mouths
so we don't get a little spittle on your
preeeeeeecious furniture. Let's go,
Marcy. Lena doesn't know how to treat
guests. Let's just hope it doesn't happen
to you, too, Miss Dry-Mouth.
Lena slams the door on them.
LENA
It won't! Because I can control my
bodily fluids -- freaks!
Lena starts scrubbing things down and dumping buckets of drool in the sink.
LENA
Ugh, I gotta disinfect the place.
INT. LENA'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Lena wakes up suddenly.
LENA
It was only a nightmare. Wait ...
what's this?
Lena's bed is rocking. She discovers she's on a river of her own drool.
LENA
Nooooooooooooooooo!!!!
BLACKOUT.
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