Monday, September 8, 2014

POLITE COWBOY SHOOTOUT (SKETCH #5)


POLITE COWBOY SHOOTOUT

Renée A. Hermiz

EXT. WESTERN TOWN – DAY

BILLY and BOB face each other on a dirt street.

BILLY
You shoulda run when you had the chance, but you’re too civilized a gentleman for that.

BOB
I am and you are, too, Billy.  And now, we need to have this shootout cuz that’s what us cowboys do. You first.

BILLY
Nah, I ain’t goin’ first, Bob.  Not until I light that cigarette in your mouth.

BOB
Well, golly.  I always knew you had it in ya to be polite, but lightin’ my cigarette for me, now that’s just swell.

Billy lights Bob’s cigarette. They circle each other. Billy reaches for his gun, then stops.

BOB
What’s the matter, Billy?

BILLY
Dog-gone-it. I just realized, I ain’t got
no bullets.

BOB
Well, that’s nothin’ to fret over.  Here, have some of mine.  I’ve got plenty. Hand me that gun and I’ll load it for ya.

Bob loads Billy’s gun then puts it back in the holster.

BILLY
Whoop, watch your hand, there! This
leather’s kinda rough to the touch.

BOB
Say, how would you feel about walkin’ a certain amount o’paces away from each other before we start shootin’?

BILLY
Seems pretty standard.  Three storefront’s distance ok with you?

BOB
Fine, fine. 

They walk apart, facing each other. Billy waits to be shot.

BILLY
All right, there Bob, have at it. 

BOB
Well, aren’t you a good ol’ huckleberry, Billy?  Don’t mind if I do.

Bob lifts his gun to shoot Billy, but stops. He’s agitated. 

BILLY
I hear it, too. Them horse’s botherin’ ya?

BOB
Well, I didn’t wanna say nothing, but that
whinnying’s distracting me somethin’ awful.

BILLY
You shoulda told me!  C’mon, we’ll move away
to a quieter street.  Can’t expect ya to deal with all that noise when you’re tryin’ to get a shot off.

They walk to a quieter street.

BOB
This all right for ya?

BILLY
It’s fine, but you know what I just realized? With you standin’ on that side, you’ve got the Sun glaring right in your eyes! Let’s switch, cuz that ain’t fair.

BOB
Well, but then you’ll have the Sun glaring in your eyes.  We should do this sideways.

BILLY
Like in a North South position?

BOB
I reckon that’ll work.  Let’s clear these dust bunnies away so we haven’t got anything else obstructing our view. 

BILLY
Good call.  Man, you’re a smart fella.  You go ahead and take the southern end since
you’re from the south.

BOB
Aw, I can’t do that.  You’re cousin’s grandpa’s mom is from the south.

BILLY
Well, then let’s draw on it.

Billy pulls out straws.  Bob draws the short straw.

BOB
That settles it. I drew short. I go north.

BILLY
Shucks, Bobby, I put that straw in there.
Might as well be me that goes north.

BOB
Well, in that case, I think it’s only fair that you take the first shot.

BILLY
Bobby, I didn’t wanna tell ya this but—

BOB
What is it, Billy? You can tell me anything.

BILLY
I’m a … well, I’m a bad shot.

Bob walks over to him.

BOB
Now, don’t go sayin’ that … that ain’t true.  You just need some practice, is all. 

Bob sees a target sign on the ground and puts it on.

BOB
Here.  How about I wear this target sign across my chest to help you focus?

BILLY
Gee, Bob, I’d really appreciate that. Would you also mind sorta spreadin’ your arms and legs out like an X so your middle’s clear?

BOB
Not. At. All.  How’s this? 

BILLY
(raising his gun, squinting) That’s great, but it’s so dark now, I can’t see a thing.

BOB
Darn bullseyes … they shoulda put glow
sticks or somethin’ around em. 

BILLY
Yep, it’s already sundown. And I’ll bet you’re tired, to boot. Why, didn’t you have an early meeting at the ranch today?

BOB
I did. But, then you had to milk the cows at the crack o’ dawn, ain’t that right?

BILLY
I did.  Maybe we should grab some supper
and be fresh for this shootout tomorrow?     

BOB
Sounds good to me.  I’m buyin’.

BOB
Naw, I insist, I got this one.

BILLY
Naw, I got it …
BLACKOUT

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