NEWS ANCHORS ONLY KNOW
SCOTCH TAPE
Renée A. Hermiz
INT. “TAPE ME TONIGHT”
NEWSROOM – DAY
American Anchors, WALLY
and POSEY discuss Scotch Tape with guests, FINELLA (Scottish) and DR WINTHROP
(English).
POSEY
Being
an English doctor, do you really feel it’s right to use Scotch Tape for
diagnosis without a Scottish person’s permission?
DR WINTHROP
Well
Posey, the use of Scotch tape in detecting pinworm eggs around the anuses of
children is a common practice among all doctors.
WALLY
Yes,
but why, Dr. Winthrop, does it have to be Scotch
tape? Sello Tape, for instance, is an English brand. Why use what’s Scottish?
DR WINTHROP
It’s
not Scottish. It’s an American brand that’s available in the States. Since I live
here, I really don’t have a choice.
POSEY
Then,
you freely admit to being a serial Scotch Tapist?
DR WINTHROP
If
using Scotch Tape to pick up eggs on the peri-anal folds of kids that may be
suffering from this terrible affliction makes me a Serial Scotch Tapist, so be
it.
POSEY
Finella,
being Scottish, how do you feel about this English Doctor using your country’s tape
for his own purposes?
FINELLA
Well,
I don’t think it IS my country’s tape.
As a pinworm survivor myself, I applaud Dr. Winthrop’s efforts in
stopping what could turn into a butt-pocalypse if not for Scotch.
WALLY
You’ve
actually made a life-story out of this, isn’t that so?
FINELLA
Yes,
Wally. After seeing what Scotch Tape did for my arse, I decided to find other
wide-spread uses of it by creating the series “2000 Ways to Make it Stick.”
POSEY
Not
only that, but you’re a new YouTube sensation with multiple videos on “How to
Scotch Wax!”
FINELLA
Indeed,
Posey. With new, extra strength Scotch Tape, you can rip out even the most
stubborn hairs.
In
fact, I just did my mustache this morning, and see? No hair.
POSEY
It
doesn’t even look red!
FINELLA
Right.
It’s rash-free and effective. In fact, Dr. Winthrop and I are working together to
create an even more flexible prototype.
WALLY
So,
Englishman and Scottish woman binding forces on Scotch Tape—
DR. WINTHROP
No,
not on Scotch Tape … on our own brand called Win-Fin Tape.
Beat.
WALLY
You
can’t do that.
POSEY
Scotch
Tape is the only answer. You can’t
create another brand.
WALLY
Scotty
McTape said, “No Substitutes” and you’d be substituting. That’s wrong.
DR. WINTHROP
Look,
we’re not just about Scotch Tape. We’d like to develop other technologies,
making detection of infections or waxing or even putting together scrapbooks, a
lot easier. Scotch Tape isn’t perfect.
POSEY
Scotch
Tape is the reason you both are successful.
Now, you want to unite on a different front?
WALLACE
It’s
because it’s Scottish, isn’t it?
FINELLA
For
the last time, it’s not Scottish and it’s got nothing to do with the brand at
all … we don’t even know who Scotty McTape is. There’s tons of generic stuff
out there, Win-Fin is on the rise.
POSEY
Stop. Stop there.
This is getting out of hand.
DR. WINTHROP
You’re
the Serial Scotch Tapists, not us. You
don’t know anything other than that bloody brand!
FINELLA
Yeah. Scotch Tape this, Scotch Tape that …
sometimes, I use Duct for things. How do you like that?
DR. WINTHROP
I
frequently use electrical tape with it’s rubber-type adhesive—
FINELLA
And
easy color-coding. Heat Shrink Tape, Gaffer Tape, or even—
FINELLA & DR. WINTHROP
--Loctite
Power Grab on a Roll—
DR. WINTHROP
Or
even video tape on my sister when she’s in the shower—oh!
POSEY & WALLACE
Stop!
You’re destroying our show! Scotch Tape is all there is—
FINELLA
Or
how about Firewall Tape?
DR. WINTHROP
Cable
Path Tape or Silicone?
FINELLA
Good
one! Got some o’ that up top!
BLACKOUT.
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