THE SUPPOSITORY
Renée A. Hermiz
INT. THE EVERYDAY SHOW –
DAY
PARDOM PATEL tells her
story to Talk Show Host PERRY LING.
PERRY
And
then what did he do?
PARDOM
He
took a seed about yay big and put it …
He
put it …
PERRY
…
take your time …
PARDOM
I
mean, the sheer nerve of the man. He put that seed straight up my anal cavity.
PERRY
And
what did you think when that happened?
PARDOM
What
anyone would think, Perry. I thought, oh gosh, not there.
PERRY
But,
it turns out you didn’t have much time to react beyond that point.
PARDOM
No,
indeed, I didn’t. I had to shoot myself
straightaway to the lavatory and do an emergency number two.
PERRY
(nodding)
You
lost all control …
PARDOM
All
control! Gone. I mean it might as well
have been a number 11, if there is such a thing on that scale.
PERRY
There
isn’t, but you’ve been through such a trauma, we’ll let it pass.
Beat.
PERRY
Sorry.
PARDOM
Well,
there was lots of cleaning to do after that. Had to ask the bathroom lady for
extra strength tissue and—
PERRY
Let’s
move on from that point. So, you went
back into the doctor’s office … ?
PARDOM
Yeah
… and I asked him point blank. I said,
“Doctor, why did you do that to me? I
mean, it was totally unexpected.”
PERRY
What
did he say?
PARDOM
He
said that he had to “make some stuff move.”
I shouted, “Oh? But did you have to make it move it in me??”
PERRY
He
certainly did not.
PARDOM
No,
of course not. Not when I’m there for a
dental cleaning. And that’s why 4 months
later I won 3 thousand buckeroos off that surprise seed fiasco. Who knew going
to the loo could be so lucrative?
PERRY
And
it’s the reason you’re here, isn’t it? You’re a survivor who’s sharing this
horrible experience to bring awareness to the rest of us.
PARDOM
No,
that’s not why I’m here.
PERRY
Oh?
I’m not sure I understand?
PARDOM
Well,
Perry, later, I discovered, another girl had gone through the same thing. Only, she got it right – she’s in the million
buckeroonies category.
PERRY
But,
how could that be?
PARDOM
I
was totally mistaken. It wasn’t a
suppository at all that he stuck up there … though the size was accurate.
(sigh)
PERRY
Oh
my goodness no! You mean it was his—
PARDOM
--homing
device. Yup.
PERRY
A
homing device? A homing device.
PARDOM
Yup,
it had an echo, too.
PERRY
What’s
so terrible about that?
PARDOM
It
was created to attract python snakes. The doctor wasn’t a doctor, but an alien
from a planet that uses venom for space travel.
PERRY
(calling off-stage)
Alfred!
What did I tell you about finding guests online?!
BLACKOUT.
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