BURT & CLIVE ARE
SENSE-LESSLY SKEWED
Renée A. Hermiz
EXT. CENTRAL PARK – DAY
BURT and CLIVE sit on a
park bench. A really large WOMAN walks by wearing spandex and a crop top.
CLIVE
Burt,
did you just see that large hippopotamus walk by? Must have escaped from the
zoo.
BURT
I
sure did, Clive. Looks like it somehow toothpasted itself out of its cage.
CLIVE
Huh.
It’s just one big hanging fold of skin. If
it were human, mine eyes would be traumatized.
PEDESTRIAN falls from the
branch of a tree. Clive gasps. Both men
sit as Pedestrian grabs a stick as a crutch.
Pedestrian
Scewz
me, I just took a nasty fall and I think I’ve broken my ankle. Could one of you help me get up, I’m
struggling here?
BURT
Uh-uh,
nope. Can’t do that cuz I didn’t see no such thing. Did you see a person fall,
Clive?
CLIVE
No
Burt, I didn’t. But, what I did see was a
squirrel taking an awful tumble from that tree branch over there.
BURT
Yep. That’s what I saw.
PEDESTRIAN
No,
see that was me you saw, not some
squirrel. How can you go by life pretending not to see things the right way?
It’s cowardly.
CLIVE
Did
you hear something, Burt?
BURT
I
didn’t hear anything, Clive and I am certain of that.
CLIVE
Why,
Burt? Oh why are you certain?
BURT
Clive,
my ears don’t lie but squawkin’ squirrels sure do. Pay it no mind and it’ll
chipper away.
PEDESTRIAN
You’re
both pathetic.
PEDESTRIAN hobbles
off.
CLIVE
Burrrt. Do you see that mama cat slappin’ that
unraveling ball of yarn around?
A MUGGER grabs an OLD
LADY’s purse.
OLD LADY
Let
go! Help! Ouch! That’s my purse!
BURT
I
sure do see that, Clive. Just darling! And look there, that mama’s tryin’ to pull
that ball o’ yarn apart with its teeth and drag it away.
The Mugger runs off. Old
Lady waddles over to bench.
OLD LADY
Why
didn’t either of you do something? A mugger just assaulted me and stole my
purse.
BURT
Oh
no, I didn’t see no such thing as that happening in front of me. Uh-uh. All’s I saw was mama cat playing with
an old ball o’ yarn.
CLIVE
Uh-huh,
that’s what I saw, too.
OLD LADY
Old
ball of yarn? Is that what you call an innocent senior such as myself that’s
just been mauled and robbed by a monstrous criminal? Seems that your faulty
sight has skewed your senses.
CLIVE & BURT
Uhhh
…
OLD LADY
Well
sense this, dunces!
Old Lady punches them both
in the face at once with her fists and waddles off.
CLIVE
Did
you feel that, Burt? That ball o’ yarn just smacked in both our faces.
BURT
I
didn’t feel no such thing, Clive. Balls
o’ yarn don’t go shootin’ in peoples’ faces like that.
An announcement comes from
a VOICE on speaker throughout the park.
VOICE (V.O.)
This
is an emergency warning. Everyone one must evacuate the park and take cover
indoors immediately. Fatal acid rain is about to fall. We repeat this is an emergency
warning. Leave the park!
CLIVE
Burt,
did you hear that announcement?
BURT
I
didn’t hear no such thing, Clive.
Acid rain begins to fall.
Burt and Clive remain seated.
CLIVE
Burt,
do you see buzzing gray birds whizzing in the sky?
BURT
Shiny,
happy rainbows with engines that twirl around the sky ain’t birds, Clive.
CLIVE
Then,
did we just jump in a pool, Burt? Cuz I sure am feeling like we did.
BURT
I
think we jumped in a pretty hot jacuzzi cuz what I’m feelin’ is a burning o’ skin.
CLIVE
Smells
like barbeque, don’t it?
BURT & CLIVE
(screams)
CLIVE
(screaming)
Are
we screamin’ Burt?
BURT
(screaming)
We
ain’t doin’ no such thing, Clive! That’s just the sound coming from the two red
lobsters jumpin’ through sprinklers sprayin’ from the sky!
A VOICE comes back over
the speakers.
VOICE (V.O.)
Oops, sorry folks. Turns out that was not an accurate
warning. It was red dye – not acid –
that was being sprayed over the park in honor of “Burt and Clive Deserve to Think
They’re Dye-ing Day" – haha – because we wish we could cook those ignorant
dunces up like lobsters but are too nice to let it go down quite that badly for
them. Scaring them senseless will have to suffice and we certainly hope they heard
that.
CLIVE
Burt—
BURT
-Didn’t
hear it.
BLACKOUT.
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