GAME OF GNOMES
Renée A. Hermiz
INT. IRON THRONE ROOM –
DAY
VARYS
Sire,
I’ve just received word that there’s a
gnome
in your quarters.
JOFFREY
A
gnome, you say? Who put it there?
VARYS
There
are whispers that it may have
been
your uncle, Lord Tyrion.
JOFFREY
Chop
off his head! The gnome’s I mean … I’ll
deal
with the dwarf later.
VARYS
As
you wish, Sire—
JOFFREY
And
send the head to Lady Sansa in a box.
I’m going to give it to her as a wedding present—
Enter TYRION with a bong
and a jug of wine.
TYRION
You’ll
do no such thing. That gnome is an
ingenious invention.
VARYS
Oh? How so?
TYRION
I’ve
just discovered that milk of the poppy can smoke through it – like a poppy
burner – and can get you high in an instant.
It’d be a shame to waste it on a little girl that wouldn’t know how to
appreciate it—
JOFFREY
She’ll
do as I command and appreciate it … if I want. Besides, she’s flowered and there
are other things in this room that are littler …
Varys looks down at his
pants. Tyrion looks at Varys. Joffrey looks at Tyrion.
VARYS
(to Tyrion)
I
can only assume he meant you, in this
case. Just the same, if it please my
Lord, we’d best not off the gnome’s head. I’m rather curious as to how it
performs this function.
TYWIN enters very high,
pants down to his ankles, carrying the smoking gnome.
TYWIN
Tyrion,
is this how you shame your father?
TYRION
What
did I do? Always blame the dwarf!
TYWIN
You
placed a gnome with your disgusting
habit
inside this castle, so potent, I could smell it all the way in the privy. It trapped
the fumes, increasing the intensity— I hardly made it out without falling over—
VARYS
Indeed,
my Lord, you’ve not even managed to pull up your breeches.
TYWIN
You’ll
keep your mouth shut and get
me
large quantities of food this instant before I use this gnome to discover what
makes a eunuch cry out.
VARYS
Put
it that way and I might just stay—
TYWIN
--out!
Varys exits. JAIME and BRIENNE enter, high and laughing,
eating turkey legs and using them to sword fight.
JAIME
Father,
the castle walls were breeched—
BRIENNE
But,
the invaders were too high to fight!
Brienne and Jaime laugh
uncontrollably. Tywin joins in despite
himself and Tyrion snickers.
TYWIN
You
mean there are more of these poppy gnomes smoking around?
TYRION
If
all the world were high on gnome, it’d be a better place. I’ve scattered them
all over Westeros — Joff, what are you doing?
JOFFREY
One
poppy, two poppy, three poppy leeches—
I’m
flicking leeches to see if they’re too high to suck on things.
TYRION
And
why are you doing that?
TYWIN
Because
he’s a Lannister. And that’s what
Lannisters do to protect the family.
TYRION
I’ve
just saved the Kingdom with these brilliant poppy smoking gnomes. Joffrey
tosses
high leeches about the room and somehow I am being preached at about what it
means to protect the family? Father,
just when have you gone out of your way for us?
TYWIN
The
day I met her.
Enter SHAE and CERSEI.
SHAE
My
lion!
Both Tyrion and Tywin look
up. Joffrey flicks a leech. It lands on
Cersei’s face. Cersei grabs Jaime’s turkey leg to shove it in Shae’s mouth.
Shae chokes on the bone and dies.
CERSEI
Li-on
that, whore.
Cersei peels the leech off
her face.
JAIME
(to Brienne, re the turkey leg)
Tougher
than Valyrian steel.
Jaime and Brienne burst
out laughing onto the floor.
CERSEI
You
see, father? I’ve the intellect here. I
should have the gnome in my chambers.
TYWIN
Quiet,
before I marry you off to your own
son
and increase the nasty rumors about you and your brother—
TYRION
--and
the gnome. (giggles) Gnome is coming.
TYWIN
You’re
even more disgusting than your habits.
Enter Varys.
VARYS
My
Lords … my Ladies … I’ve just received word that Danaerys Stormborn and her
dragons are prancing about Westeros eating gnomes.
JOFFREY
Chop
off their heads! And put them in a room
with Lady Sansa. I want to see if their
dead skulls get her high.
VARYS
An
interesting approach, my King.
BRIENNE
Has
eating the gnomes gotten them high on poppy smoke?
Jaime and Brienne go into
hysterics, rolling on the floor.
VARYS
It
doesn’t seem to have much effect on Danaerys … or her dragons. They were high-ons already. Although, it does seem that the dragons are
now not only blowing fire, but blowing out the poppy of the gnome with such
potency, everyone’s high.
TYWIN
Because
she’s a Targaryan … and Targaryans
do
what they can to get their people high.
TYRION
Are
we forgetting that I’m the one that
invented the poppy gnomes? Of course we are—
TYWIN
--because
you’re a dwarf … and dwarfs do what they can to fuck up the family.
BLACKOUT.
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