COWBRAINED HUMANS (Sketch #13)

COWBRAINED HUMANS

Renée A. Hermiz

INT. AIRPLANE – DAY

A Farmer, JESSOP, in overalls sits next to PHILLIS.

JESSOP

Jus’ got done with the convention there in New York City … aimin’ to get back to my young uns in North Dakota. Name’s Jessop.

PHILLIS

Ah. Hi Jessop, I’m Phillis … from New York. I’m just visiting a friend there in North Dakota and seeing their own “young uns” for the first time – haha … I just love the way you say that by the way.  Young unssss.  Right.  Um … so, how many have you got?

JESSOP

Oh, a whole bunch. Got a couple girls

ready to pop them newborns out. Best be there when it happens.

PHILLIS

Oh my goodness!  Newborns – yay! Congratulations. You must be pretty anxious to get home.

JESSOP

Nah, I mean, it’s all part o’ the

process. As long as I’m there within’

the first two weeks o’ birth, should be fine – hopin’ to sell them heifers after that.

PHILLIS

Sell? Oh (laughs) Oh I see.  You’re just

dolin’ out “bull” to me, aren’t ya! Haha “dolin’” … “bull” … yep.

JESSOP

Uh … well, actually, you might be on point with that. I won’t know till the offspring arrive.  Planned on one dual-purpose and one beef. Picked a beef bull myself to mate with both o’ them ill-lactating beasts o’ mine.

PHILLIS

Ill-lac … What?  Did you just call your girls ill-lactating beasts?

JESSOP

Course!  You’d say the same thing if yours were substandard producers! Soon as they have them little’ uns and are fully “dried off,” I’m gittin’ them off the farm.

PHILLIS

That’s an awful thing to do AND to say!

JESSOP

Well, ya either make milk or you make beef.  They ain’t makin’ much o’ neither if they stop milkin’ and stay on the farm. Ain’t much use to me then.

PHILLIS

So you’re saying all they’re good for is to make and feed their “little uns.”  That’s so sexist.  What kind of man are you to kick them off the farm?

JESSOP

I’m not gonna kick ‘em!  I’m gonna chop ‘em up and sell ‘em! Can’t exactly let ‘em live fer nothin’.  That’s quite an expense.

PHILLIS

Oh my God, I’m sitting next to a serial murderer!  Attendant!  Attendant!

ATTENDANT

Ma’am you’ve got to stay in your seat.  Now, what’s the matter?

PHILLIS

This man – Jessssssop! – has just admitted he is going to slaughter his girls once he gets home – and possibly their children, too.

JESSOP

Now, look here … maybe you can’t stomach

the facts o’ life, but, you don’t complain

when you’re the one eatin’ their meat and

drinkin’ their milk – Phillisssss.

ATTENDANT

It IS, after all, what you have on

your plate, ma’am.  Was there a mistake?

Are you vegan?

PHILLIS

Of course not, but I certainly do not eat the meat of my own kind, if that’s what you’re insinuating.

JESSOP

Phew – hoooooweee!  Looks like I sat next to woman ‘at thinks she’s a cow!

PHILLIS

Whoa.  You’re calling me a human cow?! You would say that about a woman, wouldn’t you, being a sexist murdering type.

ATTENDANT

Ma’am, you’re going to have to calm down or we’ll be forced to land this plane and escort you off.

PHILLIS

He’s talking about murdering innocents

and you’re saying I should calm down?

JESSOP

Hey, look here Phillis, I didn’t know you’d

take me deemin’ the infertile types and their offspring so strongly to heart.  Now, we tried artificial insemination, but that’s the most we could do – hormones and embryo transfers, well, them darn injected cows just don’t make healthy enough meat fer us folks to ingest. 

PHILLIS

Cows?  You’re calling them cows now too?! Ugh! Stop the plane!  I’m getting off – this man is insane and I’ll not stand for it any longer.

JESSOP

Well, they are cows!  And if I’m insane, all the farmers at the convention are too.  And so are your lawmakers.  Heck, we just discussed this issue!  Didn’t know city people were so keen on animals and artificial reproduction.

PHILLIS

Wee … ohhh.  Wait a minute.  Did you just say … animals?

JESSOP

That’s right.  Animals.

PHILLIS

Wait a second … You’re a farmer, aren’t you?

JESSOP

You got wax in yer ears, lady, or are the overalls foolin’ ya?  I said about a dozen times that that’s what I was – what I am.

PHILLIS

Oh … hahaha …. Oh.  You’re a FARMER!!!  Hahaha … Well then, Ohhh!  That means you actually were talking about cows. Real cows.

JESSOP

What’d you think I was talkin’ about?

PHILLIS

Oh nothing … just cows … yep. Cows.

JESSOP

Boy, you city folk sure are back’ards.  And here, I thought havin’ a cow was cliché. You’ve heightened it to straight up shittin’ bulls with a twisted human psychosis.

PHILLIS

I’m just human … a cowbrained human … haha.

JESSOP

You ain’t cowbrained … yer a human twit.

BLACKOUT